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amandaalexandre5

Mommy, am I cult?

A former literary snob making her way back to commercial reads.

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The Lawyer: Book 1

The Lawyer: Book 1 - Jean Baker Hands down to odd wording in erotica!


THIS REVIEW IS FULL OF SPOILERS.

Meet Marta. An underpaid/workaholic lawyer who recently moved to Chicago, to her newly acquired condo to live with her boyfriend, whose Med School she paid. Buuuut... when visiting her old uncle who owns a multimillion dollar law firm, she suddenly discovers through a picture in the paper that her fiance married someone else.

Sucks, right?

So what she does?

( ) Cry
( ) Go to the bathroom and cry
( ) Buy a machine-gun, kill the bastard and the bitch (whoever that is)... and cry later
(X) FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ELEVATOR

I wanna be like that when I grow up!


Bitch, I'm dancing.

As they fuck, it's mouth over here, hands over there and all these yadda yadda, Marta feels that it's time to consummate the act through penetration. And how does she communicate that to her partner?

"Please, please, please." Tears rolled down her cheeks in her desperate need for his cock.


This GIF with a handsome guy was chosen for extremely selfish and unrelated reasons.

Then he "forces his rod within her convulsing vagina"...

It makes us wonder: can a vagina convulse during sex?
Is it really a thing?
Have I never had real good sex in my life for not knowing that?
Is my life a lie?
Is there life after death?
What is the meaning of life, anyway?
Why there was a polar bear in Lost?
Will Lindsay Lohan find the light?

And what about the size of his member?
...the thing is twice the size of Lawrence's thingie". Hey, comparing is rude.

When they're done fucking, a repairman opens the elevator door and says: "No need to bang so hard on the elevator. We came as fast as possible."


This GIF was chosen because... Tom Hiddleston.

He kept her panties as a token. That is so cute!

After the fuck we accompany the life of the handsome mysterious guy, Marvin. Marvin is having problems post-coitus.

"The corona was red from furious fucking".

He comes back to his office, where we meet his partner/BFF. Here is their dialog:
- Hey, whatcha doing so late?
- Welcome, make yourself comfy.


AWW.

Not only that, the BFF jokes about his enormous... "corona".

"I always figured, sooner or later, it'd get stepped on considering the size."
Don't say things like that about third party penis, man! I put an aww gif for you!

And it goes on. As "penis penetrates vagina" gets easily old in erotica, the author takes her chances with very creative figures of speech:
"she massaged her Venus mound"
"his hot weapon"
"the moist folds of her pussy"
"he slid his fingers in to her burning lips"


It has the best pick up lines ever:
"You smell like honeysuckle. I'd like to suckle your honey. Shall we fuck?"
"I saw you in court and had to throw my panties the minute I left"


And more:
"supported only by her feet and head, her body formed an arch" (That's how she masturbates. Again, let's wonder if we ever know how to masturbate properly for not arching our backs that way)
"Her insides curled like the husk of a dead spider" WHAT?

Oh, and his penis moves by itself when he has an erection.

VEREDICT: I won't deny, I had a lot of fun readin' this book.